THE NAIRING OF THE TESTES

WRITTEN BY: SUPERMAN

Back when I was a sophomore in college, I was really into working out. I don’t mean “oh hey I’m bored, let’s go workout”. No, I was in the gym two hours everyday, working my ass off. This was mostly due to football. Those times have inevitably slipped, yet the memories still stay.
Anyone who works out knows that hair is one thing that men for the most part don’t like on their body because it hides their “muscular” physique, even when they’re not muscular. So, being Italian and having my testosterone levels through the roof at this time, I had lots of hair.
So one day I got the great idea to nair my chest. I figured what the hell, it’s better then shaving every couple weeks. So, there I was, a man with a razor in one hand, and a bottle of nair in the other. As I’m sure you can guess from the title of the story, I went with the nair.
I had never used nair before and had heard mixed reactions to it. But I figured what the hell, you have to try everything at least once and so, I went for it. Worked pretty good; got a couple of those chemical bumps, but it was nothing a few days wouldn’t clear.
One day I was going through my dorm bathroom when I came across the nair again. I had just received a blowjob and although I didn’t get any complaints from my girlfriend, I felt like it was time to rid the hair on the sack. I wasn’t down for shaving it because in all honesty at the time I was still afraid I would slice my sack open and have to be rushed to the hospital holding a testicle in one hand and have my other hand clenching my sack. So, I decided to use nair.
Now some of you are probably thinking that this is either the best idea in the world or that I’m an utter dumbass. Those of you who think I was a dumbass, you’re not far off. The way nair works is to place -- NOT RUB -- the cream on the area where you would like the hair removed. So, I did just as it said. BUT it also says to make sure the area is all even and there are no clumps of the lotion. How the fuck are you suppose to have no clumps if you’re not suppose to rub it in at all?! I know, fucking dumbasses. Anyways, the lotion was applied and I waited the recommended time of three minutes (pretty fast, huh? Sure beats shaving... or does it?) So, being the genius I am, I wiped off half of my sack rather then the full thing. Why would you do such a thing you ask? That’s simple. The bottle made quite clear to remove ALL the lotion. So I took my time to remove the lotion, ONE SIDE AT A TIME.
However, in my precessionness (yes I know that’s not a word -- fucking deal with it), I didn’t take into account how much longer the nair had been on the other side of my ballsack. It came to about six minutes.
So as you can guess -- Fuck it, I’ll just say it -- I chemically burned half my sack. Literally, Right. Down. The Middle. I started jumping around the bathroom like a damn jackrabbit trying to get the cream off. I jumped in the shower and eventually got it off after twenty minutes of scrubbing, but not before my sack was turned five degrees darker then before. It was something I can only imagine a fire crotch would look like.
Unfortunately after that, I had to wait a month or so before having a tossed salad. But on the plus side, I had no hair for two months. It’s been two years since I’ve used nair, I feel like I’m do for another try. I guess you’ll find out soon enough whether it was a success or not.