WRITTEN BY: SUPERMAN
Back when I was a sophomore in college, I was really into working out. I don’t mean “oh hey I’m bored, let’s go workout”. No, I was in the gym two hours everyday, working my ass off. This was mostly due to football. Those times have inevitably slipped, yet the memories still stay.
Anyone who works out knows that hair is one thing that men for the most part don’t like on their body because it hides their “muscular” physique, even when they’re not muscular. So, being Italian and having my testosterone levels through the roof at this time, I had lots of hair.
So one day I got the great idea to nair my chest. I figured what the hell, it’s better then shaving every couple weeks. So, there I was, a man with a razor in one hand, and a bottle of nair in the other. As I’m sure you can guess from the title of the story, I went with the nair.
I had never used nair before and had heard mixed reactions to it. But I figured what the hell, you have to try everything at least once and so, I went for it. Worked pretty good; got a couple of those chemical bumps, but it was nothing a few days wouldn’t clear.
One day I was going through my dorm bathroom when I came across the nair again. I had just received a blowjob and although I didn’t get any complaints from my girlfriend, I felt like it was time to rid the hair on the sack. I wasn’t down for shaving it because in all honesty at the time I was still afraid I would slice my sack open and have to be rushed to the hospital holding a testicle in one hand and have my other hand clenching my sack. So, I decided to use nair.
Now some of you are probably thinking that this is either the best idea in the world or that I’m an utter dumbass. Those of you who think I was a dumbass, you’re not far off. The way nair works is to place -- NOT RUB -- the cream on the area where you would like the hair removed. So, I did just as it said. BUT it also says to make sure the area is all even and there are no clumps of the lotion. How the fuck are you suppose to have no clumps if you’re not suppose to rub it in at all?! I know, fucking dumbasses. Anyways, the lotion was applied and I waited the recommended time of three minutes (pretty fast, huh? Sure beats shaving... or does it?) So, being the genius I am, I wiped off half of my sack rather then the full thing. Why would you do such a thing you ask? That’s simple. The bottle made quite clear to remove ALL the lotion. So I took my time to remove the lotion, ONE SIDE AT A TIME.
However, in my precessionness (yes I know that’s not a word -- fucking deal with it), I didn’t take into account how much longer the nair had been on the other side of my ballsack. It came to about six minutes.
So as you can guess -- Fuck it, I’ll just say it -- I chemically burned half my sack. Literally, Right. Down. The Middle. I started jumping around the bathroom like a damn jackrabbit trying to get the cream off. I jumped in the shower and eventually got it off after twenty minutes of scrubbing, but not before my sack was turned five degrees darker then before. It was something I can only imagine a fire crotch would look like.
Unfortunately after that, I had to wait a month or so before having a tossed salad. But on the plus side, I had no hair for two months. It’s been two years since I’ve used nair, I feel like I’m do for another try. I guess you’ll find out soon enough whether it was a success or not.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
SATURDAY NIGHT (part 2)
WRITTEN BY: Superman
Saturday night started out like any other drinking, partying, night; buying alcohol. CA and I head to the bank to get cash and then the local liquor store a block from the apartment.
We arrive back at the apartment around the same time as BM and TF. And the drinking begins for those two. They start drinking and getting ready for the night. They had gone out to buy some “Jersey Shore” type outfits (button down shirts, sweater vests over and short shorts) and I must say, they looked good.
But the trouble began when CA couldn’t find his championship football ring. We all tore apart the room looking for it but in the end there was no sign of it. CA immediately went into what we refer to as a “superman” since I always get into depressive pissed off moods over the littlest things. He went to lay down and listen to his Ipod for the next hour in a half as the rest of us started pounding alcohol. I’m about four shots in of rum and coke (one glass) and start watching Blue Mountain State. For the next hour or so, TF, BM, and I bullshit about life, women, and our meaningless football careers.
BM’s friend and two chicks show up and start drinking with us. By now I’m four glasses in (between 12-16 shots) and am slowly starting to feel it. One of the chicks is dating BM’s friend, but the other one was single. She was good looking, but to be honest was buff even for four football players. We all talked for a while, mostly BM catching up with his friend. I snag a peak at buff chicks cleavage which she allows to bountifully hangout.
We head to the bar up the street. Nothing special happens in the whole block away that the bar is.
CA and me head over to the 21 plus line while the rest of the group for some reason jumps into the under 21 line. I have a few cigarettes in line giving me an even more buzz. Some chick standing next to me smiles and eye fucks me, but it could’ve been a death stare since I was blowing smoke in her face. Oh well, no sweat off my back.
As CA and I enter the bar we see buff chick and a couple of the others heading back to the apartment. I say screw them.
We get inside and immediately start saying our hellos to everyone we know. Random people come up to me and say hello. I ignore most of them, I don’t know you for a reason (this is mostly men by the way). CA asks if I want a drink so I say rum and coke. He hears vodka and coke. Who the fuck mixes vodka and coke?!
Doesn’t matter. While we’re waiting for the drink an ex friend, Christian aka Cfagg, tries talking to me. I ignore him.
[Side note: There is an important reason why I’m not friends with that faggot anymore. He was a dick to my friend who he dated on and off for a while. When I say dick I mean he called her a slut, hussy, whore etc.. and pushed her once. I love women and will not tolerate that from someone so I am no longer friends with him. That and the fact he is a lying whiny bitch who I’m pretty sure has a vagina, but I haven’t checked and don’t care to.]
He talks to CA for a few seconds and suggests we all take shots. I continue to ignore him, take my drink and begin to walk around. I take the first sip. FUCK ME.
It all comes rushing to me now. 16 shots plus more to drink doesn’t go over to well with anyone, and although I have a strong tolerance, even I have my limits. Ten minutes later I give my drink to CA and tell him to hold it because I’m done.
This bar is no bigger than a three bedroom apartment. When you take that and add 250 college students inside, the heat tends to rise. That combined with the added alcohol sent me to a familiar place; the bathroom.
I start to puke in the sink all the while staring at my reflection in the mirror. Some football friends of mine laugh at me from behind; fuck them. We’ve all been there. CA tells me its time to go home and I’m not gonna fight it.
I grab a hold of CA’s shirt and am pulled through the bar, stumbling, bumping, running over a few people. We get outside and CA tells TF that he’s got to take me home.
The second I see the stairs to the apartment I sprint for the bathroom where I immediately strip and jump into the shower. I spend the next 40 minutes puking, turning the water from hot to cold and back to hot again (I was trying to sober up but I wasn’t about to sit in an ice bath-did enough of that in football).
After the shower I throw my pants back on, grab my pillow, blanket and trash bag and head to the living room where I immediately pass out in the corner.
I wake around 6 am to CA and TF talking on a mattress a few feet from me. I’m sober enough to talk. They inform me that BM scared off Buffgirl and that he was passed out in the bathroom after drinking till 5 am with cheerleaders he wanted nothing to do with. That’s alcohol for you.
I head to the bathroom but stop just short when I see a giant pile of puke all over a pillow and the floor in the bedroom.
SM: What the fuck happened?
TF: BM puked all over the floor.
SM: When?
TF: A little while ago.
SM: That was my favorite pillow!
We all head to the bathroom where BM is passed the fuck out, curled in a very familiar position by the toilet. We now have a dilemma; BM’s friend’s GF needs to take a piss, but BM won’t move. TF and I start to wake him and move him into the shower so she can at least let go of her urine. This was the weirdest BM has ever been when drunk.
We managed to get him on all fours but thats where he wanted to stay. He didn’t wanna go any further. The following is some things he shouted as we tried to move him:
BM: Don’t touch me! Let me sleep!
SM: Chick has to piss.
BM: I’m tired.
SM: Get in the shower for a second so she can pee.
BM: You get in the fuckin shower!
BM: I’ve already been in the shower!
BM: Don’t fuckin touch me!
BM: I’m a hundred a fifty percent!
SM&TF: What?
BM: Fuck you.
We finally manage to get him in the shower only for him to take another shower. After ten minutes he gets out, heads into the bedroom, somehow avoids his own puke on the ground, and passes out in TF’s bed.
TF: No BM not in my bed!
Too late. He’s passed the fuck out again, soaking wet, in nothing but boxers and is using the wet towel as a blanket. At least he’s asleep again...
I head back to my corner in the living room and pass out again. Another saturday night for the books.
Saturday night started out like any other drinking, partying, night; buying alcohol. CA and I head to the bank to get cash and then the local liquor store a block from the apartment.
We arrive back at the apartment around the same time as BM and TF. And the drinking begins for those two. They start drinking and getting ready for the night. They had gone out to buy some “Jersey Shore” type outfits (button down shirts, sweater vests over and short shorts) and I must say, they looked good.
But the trouble began when CA couldn’t find his championship football ring. We all tore apart the room looking for it but in the end there was no sign of it. CA immediately went into what we refer to as a “superman” since I always get into depressive pissed off moods over the littlest things. He went to lay down and listen to his Ipod for the next hour in a half as the rest of us started pounding alcohol. I’m about four shots in of rum and coke (one glass) and start watching Blue Mountain State. For the next hour or so, TF, BM, and I bullshit about life, women, and our meaningless football careers.
BM’s friend and two chicks show up and start drinking with us. By now I’m four glasses in (between 12-16 shots) and am slowly starting to feel it. One of the chicks is dating BM’s friend, but the other one was single. She was good looking, but to be honest was buff even for four football players. We all talked for a while, mostly BM catching up with his friend. I snag a peak at buff chicks cleavage which she allows to bountifully hangout.
We head to the bar up the street. Nothing special happens in the whole block away that the bar is.
CA and me head over to the 21 plus line while the rest of the group for some reason jumps into the under 21 line. I have a few cigarettes in line giving me an even more buzz. Some chick standing next to me smiles and eye fucks me, but it could’ve been a death stare since I was blowing smoke in her face. Oh well, no sweat off my back.
As CA and I enter the bar we see buff chick and a couple of the others heading back to the apartment. I say screw them.
We get inside and immediately start saying our hellos to everyone we know. Random people come up to me and say hello. I ignore most of them, I don’t know you for a reason (this is mostly men by the way). CA asks if I want a drink so I say rum and coke. He hears vodka and coke. Who the fuck mixes vodka and coke?!
Doesn’t matter. While we’re waiting for the drink an ex friend, Christian aka Cfagg, tries talking to me. I ignore him.
[Side note: There is an important reason why I’m not friends with that faggot anymore. He was a dick to my friend who he dated on and off for a while. When I say dick I mean he called her a slut, hussy, whore etc.. and pushed her once. I love women and will not tolerate that from someone so I am no longer friends with him. That and the fact he is a lying whiny bitch who I’m pretty sure has a vagina, but I haven’t checked and don’t care to.]
He talks to CA for a few seconds and suggests we all take shots. I continue to ignore him, take my drink and begin to walk around. I take the first sip. FUCK ME.
It all comes rushing to me now. 16 shots plus more to drink doesn’t go over to well with anyone, and although I have a strong tolerance, even I have my limits. Ten minutes later I give my drink to CA and tell him to hold it because I’m done.
This bar is no bigger than a three bedroom apartment. When you take that and add 250 college students inside, the heat tends to rise. That combined with the added alcohol sent me to a familiar place; the bathroom.
I start to puke in the sink all the while staring at my reflection in the mirror. Some football friends of mine laugh at me from behind; fuck them. We’ve all been there. CA tells me its time to go home and I’m not gonna fight it.
I grab a hold of CA’s shirt and am pulled through the bar, stumbling, bumping, running over a few people. We get outside and CA tells TF that he’s got to take me home.
The second I see the stairs to the apartment I sprint for the bathroom where I immediately strip and jump into the shower. I spend the next 40 minutes puking, turning the water from hot to cold and back to hot again (I was trying to sober up but I wasn’t about to sit in an ice bath-did enough of that in football).
After the shower I throw my pants back on, grab my pillow, blanket and trash bag and head to the living room where I immediately pass out in the corner.
I wake around 6 am to CA and TF talking on a mattress a few feet from me. I’m sober enough to talk. They inform me that BM scared off Buffgirl and that he was passed out in the bathroom after drinking till 5 am with cheerleaders he wanted nothing to do with. That’s alcohol for you.
I head to the bathroom but stop just short when I see a giant pile of puke all over a pillow and the floor in the bedroom.
SM: What the fuck happened?
TF: BM puked all over the floor.
SM: When?
TF: A little while ago.
SM: That was my favorite pillow!
We all head to the bathroom where BM is passed the fuck out, curled in a very familiar position by the toilet. We now have a dilemma; BM’s friend’s GF needs to take a piss, but BM won’t move. TF and I start to wake him and move him into the shower so she can at least let go of her urine. This was the weirdest BM has ever been when drunk.
We managed to get him on all fours but thats where he wanted to stay. He didn’t wanna go any further. The following is some things he shouted as we tried to move him:
BM: Don’t touch me! Let me sleep!
SM: Chick has to piss.
BM: I’m tired.
SM: Get in the shower for a second so she can pee.
BM: You get in the fuckin shower!
BM: I’ve already been in the shower!
BM: Don’t fuckin touch me!
BM: I’m a hundred a fifty percent!
SM&TF: What?
BM: Fuck you.
We finally manage to get him in the shower only for him to take another shower. After ten minutes he gets out, heads into the bedroom, somehow avoids his own puke on the ground, and passes out in TF’s bed.
TF: No BM not in my bed!
Too late. He’s passed the fuck out again, soaking wet, in nothing but boxers and is using the wet towel as a blanket. At least he’s asleep again...
I head back to my corner in the living room and pass out again. Another saturday night for the books.
SATURDAY NIGHT (part 1)
WRITTEN BY: The Flash
Around eight o clock BM and I get back to the apartment after going to sears to buy some shirts for the epic night ahead of us. SM and CA get back to the apartment at the exact same time. BM and I start putting on our beastly, sexy ass outfits (Women are gunna totally be all over us bro).
Around nine or nine thirty we are all basically ready to go and get crunk tonight. Nine forty five pm SM pours me a drink mixed with Barcardi rum and coke zero (trying to watch my figure haha), the night begins.
I have another mixed drink about ten mins later with SM and then BM pours himself a drink as well, while CA is over here drinking one Bud light lime. CA then sees that BM and I are wearing our SCIAC championship rings and he wants to wear his as well. He starts looking for his ring and cannot find his ring. SM starts to try and help CA find his ring. They turn the room upside down trying to find this ring and you can see that CA is pissed off that he cant find this ring. He doesn’t say anything to anyone and is just searching he then feels sick and lays down on the bed listening to his ipod (pissed). BM, SM and I still search for this ring but it is no where to be found. We then stop looking and just say F it lets just drink some more.
BM says his old buddy from high school is coming over to party with us and is bringing ladies as well. Bout fifteen mins later some skinny dude (actually forgot his name o well) with his little, skinny latino girlfriend and a semi cute buff brunette (How we thought she was buff? you ask, she took off her jacket while we were in the kitchen and dude biceps were ripped as shit you could see her definition in here shoulders and her biceps it was narly to narly for me, but she was still cute) . While in the kitchen BM, I, semi cute brunette, girlfriend, and skinny dude take around four shots each if I recall (wasn’t really counting). All this time SM is on his fourth or fifth mixed drink class (mine you, when SM pours a mixed drink its not just a mixed drink its basically three or four shots with a sip of coke zero mixed in. Its narly). CA is in the room laying on the bed listening to his music (frustrated).
Its now around ten thirty or ten forty five we all leave and start walking to the Drought bar. We get to the place there is a huge line BM and I walk straight into the middle of the line were we see some friends and say wats up as we try to sneak into the front of the line. Everyone in line starts pushing and shuving the bouncer then pulls out his tazzer and yells at everyone and says to get in one single file line (not gunna happen not with this crowd). BM, Semi cute brunette, girlfriend skinny dude and I get out of line and they all say lets just go back to the apartment and drink some more (I really didn’t care) we then leave. We leave and cannot find CA or SM anywhere O well. BM and skinny dude give me money and BM, Semi cute brunette and girlfriend go back to apartment. Skinny dude and I walk to the liquor store to buy some more Barcardi. We grab some and walk back to apartment. Right outside the apartment I see BM and semi cute brunette walking to by to go to her car they said they were going to smoke or something didn’t really pay attention. Skinny dude and I walk in to meet his girlfriend and we all take about three or four more shots of Barcardi together.
After a few shots I received a call from CA saying come back to Drought and that SM and him are inside. I asked how they got in and he said “did you go into the 21 and over line?” I had no idea there was a 21 and over line, I thought it was just one big line. I told him I would go back. Skinny dude and I get back to the apartment I gave the Barcardi to BM and then I left alone back to Drought.
(this is where the excitement happens) I get to Drought call CA and he walks out with SM Stumbling all over him self he then says I have to bring SM back to the apartment he has been puking bathroom they whole time they were inside. CA, SM and I walk back to the apartment and drop off SM as he literally runs from the outside door straight to the bathroom where he reunites himself with his porcelain goddess. CA and I then leave to go back to Drought. We get to the front I walk straight to the 21 and over line they check my id I pay then walk in. First thing I see is body building Mike, we yell say our hellos, make fun of the bouncers for being big dumb black guys laugh and then part ways. CA and I walk over to the bar and I grab a beer from the bar tender then I turn around and see this beautiful blonde that came up to CA and myself to talk to us. Then one of our doucher friends come up and say hello to CA and I and completely cock blocks us for this blonde. Then as I turn another doucher friend is drunk and tries to say hello and hits my beer out of my hand which drops to the ground covering the floor beneath my feet (there goes that). I only had like two drinks from the beer as well (horrible).
Now with now drinks in our hands CA and I walk over to the front near the dance floor when one of my ex’s from bout two years ago walks by and yells my name, gives me a hug, with a kiss on my cheek (totally caught me off guard, haven’t talked to this chick in bout two years). She then tries to commit small talk but with the loud music and the still slight buzz from the shots earlier I could not under stand her at all. Then CA tells me that one of our old friends J-mo walks in we say wats up and pretty much I kinda blow off my ex. I then tell CA that we should probably leave and go back to the apartment. We say goodbye to a few friends and head back.
We get back to the apartment and see that semi cute brunette is leaving the apartment and going home I think. I see BM trying to convince her to stay. CA and I walk inside and see BM old friend passed out on the couch in the living room and SM puking in a trash bag in his little corner of the living room. I then walk in the room to my bed and sit on it while CA sits down in the chair in our room. BM and skinny dude’s girlfriend come walking in after (I’m assuming semi cute brunette leaves) BM then convinces the girlfriend to give him the semi cute brunette’s number. She does and BM then calls her and is trying to persuade her to come back to the apartment and have an epic time with BM. Its now about one forty five or so and I’m starting to get tired plus I have to get up at seven the next morning for church. I start to does off with hearing in the background BM yelling on the phone and CA talking to the girlfriend.
Next thing I know I wake up to my phone ringing (this is the conversation)
BM- Dude! where is the apartment?
I- What?
BM- I’m at this thing called L. I dont know.
I- What?
BM- My hand hurts so freaking bad. Its cute. It hurts. I hooked up with this chick right now and some dudes chased me crazy. Where am I? Where are you?
I- What the hell are you talking bout I’m at the apartment M5 member?
BM- Ya Ya I’ll see ya in a sec.
-hang up
I am completely confused. The room is completely dark there is no one in the room. I stand up kinda dizzy and completely tired. The time is four thirty am. I look over to CA’s bed and I see the his blanket but I cant tell if anyone is in it. I look closely and a voice says “ya wats up”. From the girlfriend who I guess was sleeping in CA’s huge king size bed by her self (mind you she is like a total of probably 100 lbs). I jump back and said “o sorry didnt know if anyone was there.” I lay back down when I hear the front door open and BM comes in. He comes to the room yelling loud that he hurt his hand its bleeding, he kissed some ugly chick, he got in a fight but he ran from the fight (ya I don’t know I am just as confused as you are). Mind you the whole time he is saying these random things about what happened to him he is also stripping down to his boxers and jumps into my bed next to me. I asked him what the hell he was doing and all he kept saying was his hand hurt like shit and this chick bit his finger off or something (I dont know he wouldn’t show me the cut). Then skinny dude comes into the room and gets in CA’s bed with his girlfriend and BM is still talking bout his hand.
I then start to try to fall asleep with BM next to me making noises as he tries to sleep. He then gets up and lays down on the floor in the center of the room. He begins to make these weird noises like he was dying or something. I lean up to look at him and he is on all fours staring at the ground gagging. I yell at him “BM DON’T PUKE ON THE FLOOR! DUDE DON’T PUKE ON THE FLOOR! BM GO TO THE BATH ROOM! DON’T PUKE ON....” he lets go. Its all over the floor and pillow he was laying on. He then tells me he feels better and gets up and goes to the bathroom.
I get up to get out of the room cause the room now smells like vomit. I walk out to the living room to find CA and SM passed out on the floor they wake up as I lay down next to them and ask me why I’m out here I tell them what BM did. We all then get up to check on BM in the bathroom and he is curled up in a ball rapped around the toilet. Then the girlfriend comes in and tells us she has to piss. We then for the next thirty mins or so try to get BM off the ground and either in the shower to pass out or somewhere else so this chick can piss. We finally get him out after he actually got in the shower and turned on the shower and showered himself (I dont know why he did that). Then in his wet boxers and towel runs from the shower to my bed and plops himself down and passes out. CA, SM and I then proceed back to our made beds in the living room and lay there for about another hour talking about the night we just had. It is now six thirty in the am and I have to get up in a half an hour.
LONG saturday night
Saturday, January 29, 2011
SOME JOKES FROM BATMAN
WRITTEN BY: Superman
Here are a couple jokes that BATMAN tried to tell the other night. One thing you should know about Batman and his joke telling; he doesn't always pick the best jokes and often turns the funnier ones into crap by misplacing words or saying the joke backwards. But that's why we love him.
WHAT THIS BLOG WILL BE
WRITTEN BY: SUPERMAN
To put it simply, this blog will be the awesome adventures that my friends and I have in life. You may not think some of the things are funny, you may think we are juvenile at times, but in the end, it doesn't really matter because we're having a blast doing what we're doing and that's all that matters. So enjoy the blog and let us know what you think.
We will use the following to distinguish ourselves:
SUPERMAN-SM
BATMAN-BM
THE FLASH-TF
CAPTAIN AMERICA-CA
The way the blog will work will be we will each write one story, from each of our perspectives. You can then piece together our time seeing it from all points of view (that matter).
To put it simply, this blog will be the awesome adventures that my friends and I have in life. You may not think some of the things are funny, you may think we are juvenile at times, but in the end, it doesn't really matter because we're having a blast doing what we're doing and that's all that matters. So enjoy the blog and let us know what you think.
We will use the following to distinguish ourselves:
SUPERMAN-SM
BATMAN-BM
THE FLASH-TF
CAPTAIN AMERICA-CA
The way the blog will work will be we will each write one story, from each of our perspectives. You can then piece together our time seeing it from all points of view (that matter).
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